Another Open Letter

Dear Bully,

How have you been? I hope you feel better now. Believe it or not, your welfare is really important to me. I know you think that I was just playing with you, but the truth is, I wasn't. Why would I when you already admitted that you transcend at this game? I know I told you I'm a bit of a masochist, but I'm not stupid. And I know that if I ever decide to play with you, I will be the loser in the end. You see, I am not denying that I was a player, because I know in my heart that I was. After all, playing was fun. However, when I first started talking to you, I was done with games. And you know I've been trying to stop being the mean and indifferent person that I was because something really bad happened to me and I don't want to continue reaping evil by sowing evil. All in all, I was done being numb. Of course I was and still am careful to not be that vulnerable and be in love, but that doesn't mean I didn't mean it when I said I care for you, because I did and I still do. And right now, I do have the option to just go back to being the very narcissistic and indifferent person that I was; I can harden my heart and just be numb again. After all, when I was not caring about anyone, I had the guarantee of not getting hurt. And hurt is what I am feeling now. Who wouldn't, eh? Who wouldn't be pained by the idea of being accused of playing just when that person has already decided to be serious? To finally give as much damn about someone else as she does about herself? To finally be willing to be a bit vulnerable, no matter how much it scares her, because she has decided that you're worth it? I'm just human, it doesn't matter how much I've trained myself to be unfeeling, because you see, with you, I took a risk.  And I don't regret having taken it, even if it means that right now, I can't really be totally happy, that each time I laugh, no matter how loud my laugh could be, I still feel a bit of sadness. I know I said I have the option to not care, but it's not really what I want, because what I really want is for you to understand that I never played with you. And that I am sorry if you felt that way. I know you are having problems, and that what you're going through is really depressing. I never wanted anything but to make you feel even just a wee bit better. I know I had little success in that area, and it just makes me feel so crappy that aside from not being able to make you smile, I actually made you feel unwanted and played. All in all, bully, I just need you to feel better. Of course, deep down in my heart, I am hoping that we can go back to how we were before. There is no doubt that I miss having sensible conversations with you. I miss laughing because of what you said. I miss smiling at the thought of you flirting a bit with me and making me feel girly and all. I even miss blushing every time you tease me and make fun of me. Guess, it just means that I really miss you, and I would really like to be friends with you again. However, that's not my major concern. Regardless of how much I miss you, I know that what I really need is to know that you are better, physically, psychologically and emotionally. That you are able to sleep properly. That you are able to realize that there are people who truly care for you, and that you feel happier with this realization. That you are no longer tired of proving yourself, because you know you don't really have to. That you are in the mood to live again, to smile again, to be happy again. If you think I don't have to be in your life anymore, it is fine with me, as long as you are happy. 

I really miss you, bully. I miss your wit. I miss your sense of humor. I miss you.

Yours,

A