Kintsukuroi

Kintsukuroi – it means “to repair with gold”. This word indicates the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

The effect of this word on my brain cells was outstanding. You know the famous saying that states how repairing something after it has been broken doesn’t really change the fact that it’s broken? Like no matter how you put the pieces back together, it won’t be the same; how once something has been broken, it will always be so. I used to wonder how people can just apply the same thing to their lives.

When I was in high school, I was friends with this certain group of girls; I still am actually. One day, something happened that made one girl friend angry to another girl friend. Then, people started taking sides. (I really hate how girls can make certain insignificant issues seem very significant, that’s why I have always preferred the company of males; nevertheless, it doesn’t mean I don’t befriend people of the same gender as me.) Being the not-that-much-of-a-girl person, I did not take sides. I had to hang out with only one group of course, but I was still able to talk to the other group. And since I was sort of a middle-man or woman, I tried to convince both sides to become friends again. To just put the issue behind and make peace with each other. One response I got was that when something has been broken, you cannot just put it back together and expect no change in it at all. That response has been difficult for me to forget; not because I totally agreed with it, but because I just couldn’t accept it. I was 16 then, maybe 15. However, even then, I had an inkling that’s not how things should be. Maybe there is some truth in it, but I just can’t totally accept it. And you know what happened to my high school girl friends, anyway? They became friends again. Surprise! Surprise! Peace was restored in the classroom eventually. And now, when we look back to what happened years ago, we just laugh it off.

Anyway, my point is that being broken does not always result to ugliness or negative change. I actually believe that being broken allows something or even someone to be more beautiful. Didn’t Bob Dylan once sing that “behind every beautiful thing, there’s been some kind of pain”?

I, myself, have been broken. Many times, as a matter of fact. I mean, hello, shit happens. People will hurt you, intentionally or not. Bad things happen even to good people; not that I am saying that I am good. Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean I have to be broken or be in pain for the rest of my life, right? And just like how broken pottery can be repaired with gold, broken people can also be repaired. By what, you ask? By love, of course. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s true. I am being constantly repaired by the love I get from God, by the love of my family and friends. Sure there were times when giving up seemed to appeal so much, like how ending things once and for all seemed to be the only answer, but you see, no matter how much the demons in my head convince me that suicide is a good solution, at the end of the day, I know I will still regret doing it. Because life is still too beautiful to miss. Because the people around me still make life worth living. Because there are still too many food to taste, too many corny jokes to laugh at, too many wonderful places to visit. I am not saying that I shall never have suicidal tendencies again, I mean, my life is not perfect, and I don’t expect it to be. However, I know I always have people to count on, and I know there are still people who love me because of who I am and despite of who I am. Knowing that they do and holding on to the fact that they do will always save me. Cause they are my gold and silver. They are what make my life beautiful.