Psychology
says I am an insensitive narcissist. Well, as a matter of fact, some people who
do know me also say that. I won't write on how they are wrong, no, this post is
not about me defending myself from their accusations, because the thing is,
they are probably right.
I
mean, I do care about other people, but I only sincerely feel that way for them
when I know they care for me, too. I know I am selfish, and a very close
loved-one even told me before that I get by without even caring. That statement
did hurt me, surprisingly. I mean, come on, I care about my family and I care
about my friends, and my dog. I know they love me, so I love them, as well.
Maybe I just don’t know how to properly show it all the time. That's why a
doctor of psychology told me before to try to be sweeter, which I have been
trying (and failing) to do.
Nevertheless,
when it comes to that other kind of love, you know, the one which is not
familial or friendly, I still do prefer to be numb just so I can be invincible.
Someone even told me I don’t know what hurt feels like, because real hurt,
according to that person, is knowing you've disappointed someone you love.
Somehow he seemed right, I mean, how can I hurt if I am not willing to let
anybody in. Then again, the point of not letting anybody in is about not
getting emotionally hurt.
I didn’t
realize that trying to be invincible can actually lead to my defeat. (deleted
parts :P hahahaha)
Maybe
I am just being a control freak, not being able to know how he feels is making
me crazy.. And not being able to control the way I've been feeling is also
making me mental.
