Why?

It's damning how after you open up your heart to people, how after you bared your soul to them, they suddenly decide to shut you out.

Last Month

May...

I think the best way for me to begin this post is by telling you about how this month started.

May 1st - I was in the hospital, and I was not feeling so good since being there made me feel like a prisoner and drove me nuts. In other words, I had been filled with paranoia and sadness even during the first day of this month. To top it all, I was having pre-menstrual syndrome that day.

May 3rd - was finally able to go home (yey!)

May 4th - visited my friend and her newborn baby (double yey!)

May 8th - did some stupid things and modified certain social networking accounts since I was feeling down again

May 9th - got sick with Rhinovirus; went to bed feeling very much under the weather

May 10th - woke up feeling so sick, wasn't able to attend an important appointment, slept again, then the second time I woke up (around 11am), a certain special someone misjudged previous stupid actions and decided whatever relationship (friendship) we had was over, tried so hard to reason with him, explained myself, cried cause he wouldn't listen, cried some more, took a shower so my parents won't notice my eyes (they did anyway), met with a really good friend to discuss problem, decided that the really good friend is also own spiritual adviser

May 11th - went to church, got so moved by the song "I lift my hands" by Chris Tomlin, especially with its first line (Be still, there is a healer...)

May 12th - first day of school, had some sort of an open forum/group discussion with my Hepa family regarding what's been bothering each one of us (Truly, they're the best tropa one can have.)

May 21st - learned that a very dear person who I had been praying for passed away, was supposed to visit him at the hospital that exact day after school, went to school with my eyes still puffy from crying, went shopping to relieve stress

May 22nd - ditched choir practice to attend friend's funeral, was able to see other friends who I haven't seen for a year, wasn't able to control self and finally allowed own tears to flow when friend's mother cried for the lost of her son (just remembering it is making me cry again)

May 23rd - went to J's house out of town and spent the night there

May 24th - still at J's place; celebrated her brother's birthday; had fun with other classmates; roam around the area a bit; crossed a hanging bridge; had a very sensible conversation with M on our way home

May 27th - dropped my netbook.

May 28th - best friend's birthday; went ice skating (or they did, I just stood there, made a fool of myself and practically begged F and J to get me out of the rink already), went to a karaoke, sang my heart out (in other words, we had fun that day)

May 29th - had a quiz and a diagnostic exam; wasn't able to study for the latter; didn't care cause the previous day was fun anyway

May 31st - went out of town; swam and sang

All in all, last month had been filled with ups and downs. Many negative things happened, and for a while, I hadn't been able to convince myself that I was totally alright. It was like, I knew that no matter how much and how loud I laugh, part of me was sad. Then again, as I come to think of all the good things that happened to me; like how I've been having fun with my friends (even with my dad's colleagues), how I've been feeling loved by my friends and family, how I've been doing well in school (no tardiness, no failed quiz so far), and how I've been feeling closer to God, I know that May was a good month. Sure, there were some heartaches and I still miss bully and I still wish I was able to see MD before he kicked the bucket and I still hope that my netbook will function normally again so I won't have to spend money on a new one, but I believe that all these trials have their purpose. I may not see MD alive again but I know he'll stay in my heart; my netbook may not be working now, but not having it is allowing me to focus more on my studies; Bully may or may not come back, but at least my conscience is clear. To sum it all up, I cannot change what happened last month, but I sure can do my best to make the most of this new month - June. After all, happiness is a choice and I know that I can choose to be happy.