Excerpts from my Journal

What? Can that distressed notebook be called a journall? Nah. I don’t think so. It’s just a scratch notebook.. Full of thoughts, songs, sketches.. Hahaha..  Oh well, I have a journal in my laptop anyway, last updated centuries ago.. XD

“It’s hard to keep your sanity when you think you’re going crazy.”

“Even the sight of this messy handwriting of mine makes me wanna puke.”

“Funny how I can feel so loved and empty at the same time. How I can feel like rejoicing and mourning at the same time. It’s like being excited with life yet being suicidal. But I won’t commit suicide, that the stupidest thing to do. (make that MOST STUPIDEST for EMPHASIS)”

“I believe that God created the stars and the moon and the clouds and all the other magical things you can see in the sky so that at nights when someone feels so fucked up, he/she can just look at the sky, see its beauty and remember that God loves him/her.”

“He’s willing to listen to me even though my problem is the least important because He loves me.”

“She was just there

Yesterday morning

Standing by the stairs

With a smile she’s faking….”

“Never to leave, it’s there to last.

 We can take off all our masks.

 Forget all sadness from the past….”

“There is an imp in my head

Repeating “she’s dead, she’s dead.

Yet I refuse to believe,

Myself, I’d rather deceive…”

“As I try to recall what happened to me yesterday and at the beginning of this day, I found out that no words can actually describe how I felt. Haha..

Lande ksi ni R….. Ung senglot n un.. Dame sinasabi… nakakaloka..* Haha”

”At least my crushes are getting younger and younger. Maybe later in my life I’ll be fond of someone who’s close to my age. “

“When I got home, though, I started to cry after I entered the privacy of my room.. It just dawned on me that I will really miss them all.”

“He’s cute and attractive in a way, but he’s not someone you can call “really handsome” or “hot”.. And I love him just for who he is.. “

“Enough of that crap.. I don’t think I want to talk about it.”

And that, I think is the best way to end this. ^_^

(This is another recycled post from my old blog.)

*English translation: It's because R is such a flirt, that drunkard.. saying a lot of crazy stuff..

Inanimate II

Just want to show you another set of drawings.. 

Ren Ichimoku (mini version)

Enma Ai (mini version)

Betty Boop

Betty Boop II

If I can touch your heart, I can tel how you feel... 

(I don't actually know the name of this character)

and this is something I doodled during one of those boring times in the classroom.. I didn't have a pencil in hand so I had to use a ball point pen.. it was not easy, but I guess I managed to make it look like how I wanted it to look. 

I actually felt guilty for not listening to my mates who were reporting that day.. OK, maybe I didn't.. ^_^

"I look at you....

....

Love, you know, is an extravagant feeling… 

People like this topic a lot because deep down, no matter how shitty their attitudes are, they know how to love… really love… The love that does not keep record of wrongs, the love that’s patient… kind… and perfect... the one that is unconditional… the love that is like that of God…

Are people really capable of that?? Of course… God made us in His likeness… and that’s part of our lives that we cannot get rid of… cause I think, when God breathed the breath of life to us, love was there... in that breath… Cause He is love, himself… He loves us… that’s why He created us in the first place… that’s why He gave His son for us… 

(Some parts obviously deleted)

We find love in unexpected places. Cause love is magical. Love is beyond our comprehension. Cause love is God. ^_^ 

Love and Fear Plus My Non-sense

These days, I hear a lot about how fear coexists with love.

In the lyrics of a song, “Fear is the heart of love….”

In the line of a manga, “Now, I know what love is. It is the fear of losing that someone who is important to you.”

I am not sure if love and fear can be present at the same time in the same person’s heart without one killing the other. But that certain line in the manga I was reading really had an effect me. It is somehow true.

Come to think of it, it is true. The fear of losing someone is love. If we can do anything to prevent losing the ones we love, we will do it. It’s like sending a friend or a relative to the hospital when they are sick. We don’t want them to die when it is still possible for them to live. Even when they have already given up, we still fight and continue to tell them to not succumb to their sickness. Love is hoping that they’ll eventually get better. And we hope because we fear to lose them.

I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandfather died. It wasn’t the first time someone died in our family but it was the first time someone really close to me passed away. My grandparents live just one block from our house. He had been there for me since I was born, my grandfather, I mean. He was present in almost every day of my existence. He almost killed a drunkard who was behaving so badly on the night I was about to be born. He would stay right outside our house every time I had my guy pals over. He congratulated me in every victory. Bragged about my intelligence to all his mates. Gave me money when I needed or even when I did not. He was still as strong as a carabao and as fit as a horse even in his 60’s.

On May 2006, they had to go to my grandmother’s province. They go there every year for the fiesta. I used to go with them all the time when I was young. My grandma is a good cook and our family there is, well, let’s just say, kinda well-known. My granny does not really like planes so they usually travel by bus and by ferry once they reach Virac. I did not know why, but the night of the day they left, I felt something strange. The next morning, we were awoken by a loud knock on the door. It was very early. My dad went outside and he talked to my uncle. My aunt who lived next door followed him. I waited for him to return to our house and then I asked him what’s going on. Apparently, my grandpa had died when they were in Naga. Maybe I was too shocked to cry so my first reaction was to stare into space and ask myself if I heard him right. Me, my dad and my aunt are the only ones awake in the neighborhood. It did not help that they go back and forth to my grandparents’ house. Tears were stuck in my eyelids. I sat by our door and rationalized. I was convincing myself that my dad only said that lolo is sick. And then I got confused because my lola is the one with an unhealthy heart. I cried, uncertain of whose death I was crying about but sure that I was crying because of lost opportunity. I could not remember the last time I told my grandparents I love them before that incident. Come to think of it, I did not hug any of them when they left. I thought I would cry if I see them go. I did not know that I had to cry more because I did not see them go. My youngest brother was with them at that time. He was only 3 years old by then.

After that, I made a promise to myself. I will never again lose a chance to tell my loved ones that I love them just because of embarrassment. And I told myself that I have to be more affectionate too. I was able to keep that promise. At least to my relatives and friends.

——————————————————-

Maybe fear is the heart of love. The fear to wake up one day and realize that you’ve let go of a special person. The fear to know that you have lost an opportunity to tell him you like him or that he is important to you. It’s the fear that one day, you’ll see that you are not the one who can make him happy.

I woke up one day and I realized that what I feared had happened. It was my fault. I pointed all my fingers at myself. I’m the one to blame.

The end.

(This is a recycled entry from my previous blog.) 

Photo above not mine; got it from this site.

Taz

Hullo everyone, how have you been these past few days? Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive. Very busy, yes, but still breathing. :) To avoid this post from being just another insensible one, I've decided to include cartoons of my first ever favorite cartoon character -- TAZ. (I know, it's such a girly choice, eh?) 

Baby Taz

(Adult) Taz