What I Want

He asked me what I wanted.

I didn't respond.

It's not that I couldn't

or don't know what I want

It's that one is impossible

and the other makes me scared

because I'm not sure if he'd do it

or if he'd choose to or want it.

Probably not because if he did,

he would already know the answer.

Maybe he's just waiting for me

to say that what I really want is goodbye.

Something he can't admit to himself,

so he'd like me to initiate the end.

He asked me what I wanted,

and boy did I want to respond -

That what I wanted was for him

to want, love, and fight for me

like I want, love, and fight for us.

He asked me what I wanted,

and it took strength to not say

that what I wanted was to go back

to the time when everything was fine.

There was no doubt in my mind,

nor suspicion in my heart. 

All I knew was he loved me

so much that I felt like

I didn't deserve it.

Well, funny how it appears

that I truly didn't deserve it anyway

Since now it seems

that he never felt that way for real.

He asked me what I wanted

and I couldn't respond

not because I don't know what I want,

but because I'm tired of always,

always being the one

who has to put up a fight.

BEST FATHER

2 Corinthians 6:18

I will be to you as a Father. You will be to me sons and daughters”, says the Lord Almighty. (World English Bible)

As if salvation and eternal life are not enough, God actually wants to treat us like His children. Isn't His love just so great? So incomparable to anything? So awesome? So magnificent?

What does it mean to have God as our Father? Surely, all of us have fathers. How can we be born in this world without one, eh? I know there are certain people who neglect their duties as dads, but a real father does the following:

a. a Father PROVIDES

Just like how our dads provide for the family, God also provides for us. Meditating on what this means just makes us realize how rich we actually are. Imagine having the heaven as your source. #feelingrich, #IAmAPrincessMyDadIsAKing, feels eh?

b. a Father TEACHES

Remember that time when your dad taught you how to ride a bike? Or drive a car? Or cook? Or build something? Most of the time, it is our moms who do the teaching thing. They teach us how to write, how to walk, how to do house chores. However, our dads also teach us stuff. They may not always be available as they spend their time at work so they can provide for us, but we know that when we need to know something and our moms don't know how to do it, our dads do. This is also true with our Father in heaven. He teaches us how to live a holy life through the help of the Holy Spirit, which we received when we accepted Jesus as our Saviour. And if our parents are sometimes not available, we know that God is always available. And His teachings are the secrets in having a fulfilling and genuinely happy life.

c. a Father DISCIPLINES

Truth be told, when we think our moms are being too harsh with rules, we run to our dads to defend us and to allow us to have our own way. Then again, when dad is the one who's disciplining us for what we did or said or even thought about doing or saying, we know we have to listen, right? We know we have to always take them seriously when they rebuke us. In the same manner, God also disciplines us so that we can have a better life as we become better versions of ourselves. When we commit sins, God is just and forgiving. He does not keep records of our wrongdoings because His love covers all our sins. Still, He knows we have to be disciplined so we can have a better life. It is then best for us to welcome His discipline and just do His will, because that's actually our purpose – to do His will.

d. a Father LOVES

Out of all the duties of a father, this one, I think, is also a privilege. When you love someone, it doesn't just benefit the person, it also benefits you. Hence, if you have a loving dad who is faithful to his duties to you and to your family, you can only imagine how much more God will be loving and faithful, right? It's like having a good father here on earth, and having the best Father there in heaven; what more can you ask for? Nevertheless, as I've said in the beginning of this post, not all fathers do their duties. Not all of us are blessed to have a kind biological father. Still, even if that's the case, there's really no need to be sad. Instead, take comfort and contentment in having a real Father in heaven, who truly is (I said this before and I'll say it again and again and again) the BEST FATHER anyone can have.  

Why?

It's damning how after you open up your heart to people, how after you bared your soul to them, they suddenly decide to shut you out.

Last Month

May...

I think the best way for me to begin this post is by telling you about how this month started.

May 1st - I was in the hospital, and I was not feeling so good since being there made me feel like a prisoner and drove me nuts. In other words, I had been filled with paranoia and sadness even during the first day of this month. To top it all, I was having pre-menstrual syndrome that day.

May 3rd - was finally able to go home (yey!)

May 4th - visited my friend and her newborn baby (double yey!)

May 8th - did some stupid things and modified certain social networking accounts since I was feeling down again

May 9th - got sick with Rhinovirus; went to bed feeling very much under the weather

May 10th - woke up feeling so sick, wasn't able to attend an important appointment, slept again, then the second time I woke up (around 11am), a certain special someone misjudged previous stupid actions and decided whatever relationship (friendship) we had was over, tried so hard to reason with him, explained myself, cried cause he wouldn't listen, cried some more, took a shower so my parents won't notice my eyes (they did anyway), met with a really good friend to discuss problem, decided that the really good friend is also own spiritual adviser

May 11th - went to church, got so moved by the song "I lift my hands" by Chris Tomlin, especially with its first line (Be still, there is a healer...)

May 12th - first day of school, had some sort of an open forum/group discussion with my Hepa family regarding what's been bothering each one of us (Truly, they're the best tropa one can have.)

May 21st - learned that a very dear person who I had been praying for passed away, was supposed to visit him at the hospital that exact day after school, went to school with my eyes still puffy from crying, went shopping to relieve stress

May 22nd - ditched choir practice to attend friend's funeral, was able to see other friends who I haven't seen for a year, wasn't able to control self and finally allowed own tears to flow when friend's mother cried for the lost of her son (just remembering it is making me cry again)

May 23rd - went to J's house out of town and spent the night there

May 24th - still at J's place; celebrated her brother's birthday; had fun with other classmates; roam around the area a bit; crossed a hanging bridge; had a very sensible conversation with M on our way home

May 27th - dropped my netbook.

May 28th - best friend's birthday; went ice skating (or they did, I just stood there, made a fool of myself and practically begged F and J to get me out of the rink already), went to a karaoke, sang my heart out (in other words, we had fun that day)

May 29th - had a quiz and a diagnostic exam; wasn't able to study for the latter; didn't care cause the previous day was fun anyway

May 31st - went out of town; swam and sang

All in all, last month had been filled with ups and downs. Many negative things happened, and for a while, I hadn't been able to convince myself that I was totally alright. It was like, I knew that no matter how much and how loud I laugh, part of me was sad. Then again, as I come to think of all the good things that happened to me; like how I've been having fun with my friends (even with my dad's colleagues), how I've been feeling loved by my friends and family, how I've been doing well in school (no tardiness, no failed quiz so far), and how I've been feeling closer to God, I know that May was a good month. Sure, there were some heartaches and I still miss bully and I still wish I was able to see MD before he kicked the bucket and I still hope that my netbook will function normally again so I won't have to spend money on a new one, but I believe that all these trials have their purpose. I may not see MD alive again but I know he'll stay in my heart; my netbook may not be working now, but not having it is allowing me to focus more on my studies; Bully may or may not come back, but at least my conscience is clear. To sum it all up, I cannot change what happened last month, but I sure can do my best to make the most of this new month - June. After all, happiness is a choice and I know that I can choose to be happy. 

Another Open Letter

Dear Bully,

How have you been? I hope you feel better now. Believe it or not, your welfare is really important to me. I know you think that I was just playing with you, but the truth is, I wasn't. Why would I when you already admitted that you transcend at this game? I know I told you I'm a bit of a masochist, but I'm not stupid. And I know that if I ever decide to play with you, I will be the loser in the end. You see, I am not denying that I was a player, because I know in my heart that I was. After all, playing was fun. However, when I first started talking to you, I was done with games. And you know I've been trying to stop being the mean and indifferent person that I was because something really bad happened to me and I don't want to continue reaping evil by sowing evil. All in all, I was done being numb. Of course I was and still am careful to not be that vulnerable and be in love, but that doesn't mean I didn't mean it when I said I care for you, because I did and I still do. And right now, I do have the option to just go back to being the very narcissistic and indifferent person that I was; I can harden my heart and just be numb again. After all, when I was not caring about anyone, I had the guarantee of not getting hurt. And hurt is what I am feeling now. Who wouldn't, eh? Who wouldn't be pained by the idea of being accused of playing just when that person has already decided to be serious? To finally give as much damn about someone else as she does about herself? To finally be willing to be a bit vulnerable, no matter how much it scares her, because she has decided that you're worth it? I'm just human, it doesn't matter how much I've trained myself to be unfeeling, because you see, with you, I took a risk.  And I don't regret having taken it, even if it means that right now, I can't really be totally happy, that each time I laugh, no matter how loud my laugh could be, I still feel a bit of sadness. I know I said I have the option to not care, but it's not really what I want, because what I really want is for you to understand that I never played with you. And that I am sorry if you felt that way. I know you are having problems, and that what you're going through is really depressing. I never wanted anything but to make you feel even just a wee bit better. I know I had little success in that area, and it just makes me feel so crappy that aside from not being able to make you smile, I actually made you feel unwanted and played. All in all, bully, I just need you to feel better. Of course, deep down in my heart, I am hoping that we can go back to how we were before. There is no doubt that I miss having sensible conversations with you. I miss laughing because of what you said. I miss smiling at the thought of you flirting a bit with me and making me feel girly and all. I even miss blushing every time you tease me and make fun of me. Guess, it just means that I really miss you, and I would really like to be friends with you again. However, that's not my major concern. Regardless of how much I miss you, I know that what I really need is to know that you are better, physically, psychologically and emotionally. That you are able to sleep properly. That you are able to realize that there are people who truly care for you, and that you feel happier with this realization. That you are no longer tired of proving yourself, because you know you don't really have to. That you are in the mood to live again, to smile again, to be happy again. If you think I don't have to be in your life anymore, it is fine with me, as long as you are happy. 

I really miss you, bully. I miss your wit. I miss your sense of humor. I miss you.

Yours,

A