Why?

It's damning how after you open up your heart to people, how after you bared your soul to them, they suddenly decide to shut you out.

Last Month

May...

I think the best way for me to begin this post is by telling you about how this month started.

May 1st - I was in the hospital, and I was not feeling so good since being there made me feel like a prisoner and drove me nuts. In other words, I had been filled with paranoia and sadness even during the first day of this month. To top it all, I was having pre-menstrual syndrome that day.

May 3rd - was finally able to go home (yey!)

May 4th - visited my friend and her newborn baby (double yey!)

May 8th - did some stupid things and modified certain social networking accounts since I was feeling down again

May 9th - got sick with Rhinovirus; went to bed feeling very much under the weather

May 10th - woke up feeling so sick, wasn't able to attend an important appointment, slept again, then the second time I woke up (around 11am), a certain special someone misjudged previous stupid actions and decided whatever relationship (friendship) we had was over, tried so hard to reason with him, explained myself, cried cause he wouldn't listen, cried some more, took a shower so my parents won't notice my eyes (they did anyway), met with a really good friend to discuss problem, decided that the really good friend is also own spiritual adviser

May 11th - went to church, got so moved by the song "I lift my hands" by Chris Tomlin, especially with its first line (Be still, there is a healer...)

May 12th - first day of school, had some sort of an open forum/group discussion with my Hepa family regarding what's been bothering each one of us (Truly, they're the best tropa one can have.)

May 21st - learned that a very dear person who I had been praying for passed away, was supposed to visit him at the hospital that exact day after school, went to school with my eyes still puffy from crying, went shopping to relieve stress

May 22nd - ditched choir practice to attend friend's funeral, was able to see other friends who I haven't seen for a year, wasn't able to control self and finally allowed own tears to flow when friend's mother cried for the lost of her son (just remembering it is making me cry again)

May 23rd - went to J's house out of town and spent the night there

May 24th - still at J's place; celebrated her brother's birthday; had fun with other classmates; roam around the area a bit; crossed a hanging bridge; had a very sensible conversation with M on our way home

May 27th - dropped my netbook.

May 28th - best friend's birthday; went ice skating (or they did, I just stood there, made a fool of myself and practically begged F and J to get me out of the rink already), went to a karaoke, sang my heart out (in other words, we had fun that day)

May 29th - had a quiz and a diagnostic exam; wasn't able to study for the latter; didn't care cause the previous day was fun anyway

May 31st - went out of town; swam and sang

All in all, last month had been filled with ups and downs. Many negative things happened, and for a while, I hadn't been able to convince myself that I was totally alright. It was like, I knew that no matter how much and how loud I laugh, part of me was sad. Then again, as I come to think of all the good things that happened to me; like how I've been having fun with my friends (even with my dad's colleagues), how I've been feeling loved by my friends and family, how I've been doing well in school (no tardiness, no failed quiz so far), and how I've been feeling closer to God, I know that May was a good month. Sure, there were some heartaches and I still miss bully and I still wish I was able to see MD before he kicked the bucket and I still hope that my netbook will function normally again so I won't have to spend money on a new one, but I believe that all these trials have their purpose. I may not see MD alive again but I know he'll stay in my heart; my netbook may not be working now, but not having it is allowing me to focus more on my studies; Bully may or may not come back, but at least my conscience is clear. To sum it all up, I cannot change what happened last month, but I sure can do my best to make the most of this new month - June. After all, happiness is a choice and I know that I can choose to be happy. 

Another Open Letter

Dear Bully,

How have you been? I hope you feel better now. Believe it or not, your welfare is really important to me. I know you think that I was just playing with you, but the truth is, I wasn't. Why would I when you already admitted that you transcend at this game? I know I told you I'm a bit of a masochist, but I'm not stupid. And I know that if I ever decide to play with you, I will be the loser in the end. You see, I am not denying that I was a player, because I know in my heart that I was. After all, playing was fun. However, when I first started talking to you, I was done with games. And you know I've been trying to stop being the mean and indifferent person that I was because something really bad happened to me and I don't want to continue reaping evil by sowing evil. All in all, I was done being numb. Of course I was and still am careful to not be that vulnerable and be in love, but that doesn't mean I didn't mean it when I said I care for you, because I did and I still do. And right now, I do have the option to just go back to being the very narcissistic and indifferent person that I was; I can harden my heart and just be numb again. After all, when I was not caring about anyone, I had the guarantee of not getting hurt. And hurt is what I am feeling now. Who wouldn't, eh? Who wouldn't be pained by the idea of being accused of playing just when that person has already decided to be serious? To finally give as much damn about someone else as she does about herself? To finally be willing to be a bit vulnerable, no matter how much it scares her, because she has decided that you're worth it? I'm just human, it doesn't matter how much I've trained myself to be unfeeling, because you see, with you, I took a risk.  And I don't regret having taken it, even if it means that right now, I can't really be totally happy, that each time I laugh, no matter how loud my laugh could be, I still feel a bit of sadness. I know I said I have the option to not care, but it's not really what I want, because what I really want is for you to understand that I never played with you. And that I am sorry if you felt that way. I know you are having problems, and that what you're going through is really depressing. I never wanted anything but to make you feel even just a wee bit better. I know I had little success in that area, and it just makes me feel so crappy that aside from not being able to make you smile, I actually made you feel unwanted and played. All in all, bully, I just need you to feel better. Of course, deep down in my heart, I am hoping that we can go back to how we were before. There is no doubt that I miss having sensible conversations with you. I miss laughing because of what you said. I miss smiling at the thought of you flirting a bit with me and making me feel girly and all. I even miss blushing every time you tease me and make fun of me. Guess, it just means that I really miss you, and I would really like to be friends with you again. However, that's not my major concern. Regardless of how much I miss you, I know that what I really need is to know that you are better, physically, psychologically and emotionally. That you are able to sleep properly. That you are able to realize that there are people who truly care for you, and that you feel happier with this realization. That you are no longer tired of proving yourself, because you know you don't really have to. That you are in the mood to live again, to smile again, to be happy again. If you think I don't have to be in your life anymore, it is fine with me, as long as you are happy. 

I really miss you, bully. I miss your wit. I miss your sense of humor. I miss you.

Yours,

A

Kintsukuroi

Kintsukuroi – it means “to repair with gold”. This word indicates the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

The effect of this word on my brain cells was outstanding. You know the famous saying that states how repairing something after it has been broken doesn’t really change the fact that it’s broken? Like no matter how you put the pieces back together, it won’t be the same; how once something has been broken, it will always be so. I used to wonder how people can just apply the same thing to their lives.

When I was in high school, I was friends with this certain group of girls; I still am actually. One day, something happened that made one girl friend angry to another girl friend. Then, people started taking sides. (I really hate how girls can make certain insignificant issues seem very significant, that’s why I have always preferred the company of males; nevertheless, it doesn’t mean I don’t befriend people of the same gender as me.) Being the not-that-much-of-a-girl person, I did not take sides. I had to hang out with only one group of course, but I was still able to talk to the other group. And since I was sort of a middle-man or woman, I tried to convince both sides to become friends again. To just put the issue behind and make peace with each other. One response I got was that when something has been broken, you cannot just put it back together and expect no change in it at all. That response has been difficult for me to forget; not because I totally agreed with it, but because I just couldn’t accept it. I was 16 then, maybe 15. However, even then, I had an inkling that’s not how things should be. Maybe there is some truth in it, but I just can’t totally accept it. And you know what happened to my high school girl friends, anyway? They became friends again. Surprise! Surprise! Peace was restored in the classroom eventually. And now, when we look back to what happened years ago, we just laugh it off.

Anyway, my point is that being broken does not always result to ugliness or negative change. I actually believe that being broken allows something or even someone to be more beautiful. Didn’t Bob Dylan once sing that “behind every beautiful thing, there’s been some kind of pain”?

I, myself, have been broken. Many times, as a matter of fact. I mean, hello, shit happens. People will hurt you, intentionally or not. Bad things happen even to good people; not that I am saying that I am good. Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean I have to be broken or be in pain for the rest of my life, right? And just like how broken pottery can be repaired with gold, broken people can also be repaired. By what, you ask? By love, of course. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s true. I am being constantly repaired by the love I get from God, by the love of my family and friends. Sure there were times when giving up seemed to appeal so much, like how ending things once and for all seemed to be the only answer, but you see, no matter how much the demons in my head convince me that suicide is a good solution, at the end of the day, I know I will still regret doing it. Because life is still too beautiful to miss. Because the people around me still make life worth living. Because there are still too many food to taste, too many corny jokes to laugh at, too many wonderful places to visit. I am not saying that I shall never have suicidal tendencies again, I mean, my life is not perfect, and I don’t expect it to be. However, I know I always have people to count on, and I know there are still people who love me because of who I am and despite of who I am. Knowing that they do and holding on to the fact that they do will always save me. Cause they are my gold and silver. They are what make my life beautiful.

2AM Rants

Well it's two in the morning and I can't sleep. I already tried a bit of studying, but my brain can just absorb a certain amount of information about bacteria before it starts going haywire. So yeah. Here I am, writing again. Or ranting again. Whatever you wanna call it.

You see, as I was browsing through Facebook last Tuesday or Wednesday, I saw a quote saying, "Eventually, you have to forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made." Obviously, it struck me. I wouldn't be writing about it if it didn't, would I? Anyway, I just pondered on how true the quote was. I don't even know its origin, maybe it has one, maybe it doesn't. Nonetheless, it is true and I have been greatly affected by it.

As people who actually waste their time on reading this sad excuse for a blog know, I am a Christian. I know I also am a sad excuse for a Christian, but I did accept Jesus as my savior, and I do believe in God. Anyway, the point of me reminding you of my beliefs is that as I was praying tonight or last Friday night ('tis already Saturday in my time), I asked God why it is so easy for Him to forgive me for my sins when I, myself, find it really difficult to get over the wrong things I have committed. His answer came clearly and quickly (Call me crazy if you want; it's true anyway, I am crazy for God.) In fact, His response was a song. His answer was one of the songs I learned at the Musical Ministry in my college. It is a local song and it goes like this, "Paanong di kita ibigin? Paanong di ka patawarin? Bago man isilang sa lupa, ika'y akin  nang inaruga..." It translates to "How can I not love you? How can I not forgive you? Even before you were born, I already cared for you." If I'm not mistaken, the lyrics of the song "Pagbabalik" by Fr. Manoling Francisco, SJ, originated from the Scriptures (in the Book of Jeremiah, I think). And it is through the Scriptures that God talks to us. We talk to Him through prayers. He talks to us through the Scriptures.

On the whole, we are humans. Some seem to be aliens (Hello, Dr. Sheldon Cooper; hullo, Mr. Bean) but the bottom line is, we make mistakes. There are times when we make bad choices, it doesn't mean we are bad, it just means we are not perfect. And being not perfect is fine. Making mistakes is normal. Sure it is hard to forgive ourselves, but eventually, we have to do it. We have to let go of the negative things that happened in the past. We have to move on from our previous mistakes. I'm not saying we should forget them; actually, we should remember the lessons we learned from them. Thus, what I'm saying is we should forget all the negativity that comes with our past mistakes. Even God loves us enough to forget all our sins and welcome us into His kingdom. Why should we let something that happened when we weren't as mature as we are now haunt us? Why should we exchange happiness and peace of mind for something that we cannot change? Of course, we can't change the past. But we can live in the present. And we should live in the present.

Asdfghajgdkga

 Approximately 8 days and 21 hours or so... That's how long I've been in this building, not once going out. I've only been out of the room 3 times. First to transfer to my mom's room, who is now the one wearing the hospital gown, second to let the guard downstairs cut my patient tag, and third was yesterday evening, when I went to the canteen to choose dinner with my dad. Hence, it can be said that I've been out of the room, but not outside. Haven't even had the sun shine on my skin. I kinda miss it actually. Like how I miss the feel of the road against my feet or slippers or shoes. Well, the thing is, this post is about how being confined inside the 4 walls of a hospital room is driving me mental. Yeah, I know it is evident that even before today, I have been crazy to some extent. However, I still felt bit normal then. Now, my normality is down to just about 10%. Inside this room is so cold but outside is just too damn hot. I get dizzy when I stand up for a long time and I would rather lie on my stomach than sit. Not to mention that I haven't fully recovered from amebiasis and my tummy aches worse than it did when I was still diarrheic. It may seemed like I'm complaining too much, but I'm not. Okay, maybe I am.  Please try to understand, though. This is my only outlet. Well, not really the only outlet, it's just one of my less crazy outlets. I mean I don't have my sketch book so I can't draw even if I want to. I can't listen to music cause my memory card decided to fuck up. I can't exercise. Man, I miss how running and stretching can hurt so good. And all these unavailable things are making me nuts. One night, I dreamt of listening to Foo Fighters and Sevendust. The next night, I dreamt of exercising to my work-out jam. Therefore, I have to write. I can't sing my heart out here cause I might or I would disturb the patient next door if I do so. I can't drink coffee cause my parents are here and coffee's not good for my gall bladder. Damn, I can't even starve myself given that mama and daddy are here and they keep insisting that I eat. They think I'm actually losing weight whereas I feel like I am gaining pounds. I even overheard them talking about how it's a pity that I'm losing weight when they thought I was still sleeping. To top it all, the only person I wanna talk to doesn't even seem to want to talk to me. And I do care deeply for that individual but I don't think he feels the same. He probably got too much on his plate and too many girls at his disposal so I don't even mean a thing to him. It sucks, you know. This feeling. And maybe me wallowing on self pity and insecurity is just me having premenstrual syndrome. Man, I hate this crap. I miss the good old days when I didn't have any syndrome. Pre or post. I miss just feeling crap during my period. Oh well, I think I should just go back to being indifferent and selfish. I can do that. The question is, do I want to? I shan't dwell on that question now. Right now, I should just try to go outside first.

almost suicidal

the irony of it is that even when it's true that yourself is your greatest enemy, when everything gets so fucked up and the demons in your head keep telling you that you're better off dead, nobody else can save you but yourself. it's not because other people don't care, I mean maybe they actually don't, but the thing is, every major decision in your own life will be made by yourself. some people may influence you to some extent; however, during the nights when you feel so alone even if there are other people in the room, what you do and how you handle your situation will depend on your own perceptions. hence, you may be your own greatest enemy, but you can also be your own savior. suicidal thoughts are normal, I think. what isn't normal is when you let these thoughts govern you and consume you.

Waiting... hoping... dying? Wait, what?

Psychology says I am an insensitive narcissist. Well, as a matter of fact, some people who do know me also say that. I won't write on how they are wrong, no, this post is not about me defending myself from their accusations, because the thing is, they are probably right. 

I mean, I do care about other people, but I only sincerely feel that way for them when I know they care for me, too.  I know I am selfish, and a very close loved-one even told me before that I get by without even caring. That statement did hurt me, surprisingly. I mean, come on, I care about my family and I care about my friends, and my dog. I know they love me, so I love them, as well. Maybe I just don’t know how to properly show it all the time. That's why a doctor of psychology told me before to try to be sweeter, which I have been trying (and failing) to do. 

Nevertheless, when it comes to that other kind of love, you know, the one which is not familial or friendly, I still do prefer to be numb just so I can be invincible. Someone even told me I don’t know what hurt feels like, because real hurt, according to that person, is knowing you've disappointed someone you love. Somehow he seemed right, I mean, how can I hurt if I am not willing to let anybody in. Then again, the point of not letting anybody in is about not getting emotionally hurt.  

I didn’t realize that trying to be invincible can actually lead to my defeat. (deleted parts :P hahahaha)

Maybe I am just being a control freak, not being able to know how he feels is making me crazy.. And not being able to control the way I've been feeling is also making me mental. 

We should...

I definitely stole this line from Tumblr. Nevertheless, I really believe that this is how we should fall in love. That way, we can be certain it is not our hormones, but our minds that are telling us of how we feel. Yeah, I said "minds" since I am a realist and I do know that our hearts are only made for blood related purposes (I think you know this, too). 

---This is a really insensible post... I know. Just wanted to let my few readers know that my blog is still active and I am actually still alive.. :)

Cheers to the New Year!

Every time a year ends, I do a bit of an evaluation of the year that has passed. For this year, 2012, I can say that a lot of good things happened. Of course, life is not all sugar and spice and everything nice; there were still occurrences, which I wished had not taken place, but I was able to pass through them and realize why our loving God allowed them to come about. After all, everything happens for a reason, and if you trust that whatever happens is part of God’s plan, you’ll know that things will always work out for the best.

Sometime around June, I felt friendless.  You see, the girls I spent time and ate lunch with at school abandoned me. Well, they did not technically abandon me, but I felt that way. They just drifted away, and I felt like they didn’t really wanna be with me. I don’t know, it’s just that I really felt shitty during those days. I was really lonely you see, I am not exaggerating.   Nevertheless, a good came out of my loneliness.  I was able to make new friends, and these new friends of mine (well they are not new anymore, but they were new during that time) are very caring and loving, and I feel really happy with them. They are not perfect, I am not perfect, there are times when we disagree on things, but we never seriously fight. We stay happy together. And I cannot imagine myself not being friends with them. I never really expected to be able to bond with them. They are guys, in the first place, and they hated me for my bossy attitude last 2011 (well K is a girl and she didn't hate me, but the rest of the gang are guys and they did despise me). Then again, I am very much thankful to have the chance to know them better and deeper. They are the best! Simply the best!   

It was also in June when I met this guy. This guy who has such beautiful eyes. He was sweet, and he would call me every now and then. But my flirting days with him are over. I have realized that he is way too handsome for me.

November has been a sweet month as well. Aside from being the month when I celebrate my birthday, I was able to go to the northern part of my country for a seminar during that month, and I met very nice, intelligent and sweet people. I was also elected as an officer of a regional organization, which is very wicked. Because of the fact that I am now an officer of that regional organization, I have additional responsibilities, but these responsibilities are nothing compared to the fact that I have additional friends.

To sum it up, I guess I can say that the icing on my cake for the year 2012 is the fact that I was able to gain a lot of wonderful chums. I am also happy that I am still in a relationship with God. I know there are times when I take Him for granted, but He loves me soooo much that He never lets me go. Indeed, what an amazing God I have! I am looking forward to 2013, and to the things, experiences and people that would come with it. Happy New Year, everyone! 

10 Things To Do Before and During the Week of Your Final Examinations

1. read.
- Let's face it, no matter what your course/major is, you need to read your lectures if you want to be able to answer the questions in your exams.

2. make sure you have your examination permit, ballpen(s), calculator, etc.
- You must secure the things that you will need for the examination. In the school where I study, students will not be allowed to take the exams without their permit; hence, it is a must for us to secure it on or before the first day of the exams.

3. watch a movie.
- I don't know about you, but I do like to unwind before the exams. And unwinding means watching the movies I've been planning to watch for a long time. :)

4. have lunch at the mall.
- This is only a good idea if you still have an exam after lunch. I mean, if your exams finish before lunch, it will be more ideal and money-wise for you to just have lunch at home.

5. watch another movie.
- Unwind. Relax. Chill. 

6. go to mangafox.me

- I like to read manga... and when else is the best time for you to catch up on reading the mangas you have bookmarked on a certain manga site than during the week of the exams? (IDK if that makes any sense, or if that is grammatically correct. Oh well, IDC. XD)

7. watch comedy sketches at youtube.

- Youtube is a really fun site. And there are a lot of messed up youtubers there who make videos that can help you feel better regardless of what time is it or what is the season or what is going on around you or in your school.

8. go to the mall and ask your friend to treat you to ice cream. (Dairy Queen)

- Oh. Eating sweets, like ice cream, is a good way to relax. It is even better when someone else paid it for you. :)

9. sleep at around 1 to 3 AM.
- Since you will be watching a lot of movies, you won't notice the time anymore, and you'll end up in bed really late... or early in the morning. XD

10. wake up 30 minutes before/after your first exam for the day is supposed to start.
- Since you slept really late, you won't be able to get up even after your alarm has gone off a couple of times. Then, when you finally open your eyes, you'll see what time it is and hurry to the bathroom cause you know your're either going to be late or you already are late. :)


So, the things above are the things I do before and during the week of my exams. It depends if you want to follow my footsteps, but I advise that you don't. I mean, only an idiot would do those things. And I can be an idiot at certain times... and most of the time, I act like a moron when I know that I shouldn't do so. Oh well, it's not like I actually need to study. >:)

:DDDDDDDDDDDDD ♥ ♥ ♥

IMBA REPLIES

Some conversations I've been having lately.

F: I didn’t know you were good at drawing.

N: I didn’t know it either.

--------------------------------- 

J: Why is your voice so soft?

N: Sorry, I don’t have a microphone installed in my throat.

--------------------------------- 

K: I thought you two had a “thing”.

N: Yeah, we had “NO”thing.

---------------------------------

N: Do you have any questions?

M: Why are you so beautiful?

---------------------------------

Er... Sorry for another insensible post. :) 

God bless!! <3

Excerpts from my Journal

What? Can that distressed notebook be called a journall? Nah. I don’t think so. It’s just a scratch notebook.. Full of thoughts, songs, sketches.. Hahaha..  Oh well, I have a journal in my laptop anyway, last updated centuries ago.. XD

“It’s hard to keep your sanity when you think you’re going crazy.”

“Even the sight of this messy handwriting of mine makes me wanna puke.”

“Funny how I can feel so loved and empty at the same time. How I can feel like rejoicing and mourning at the same time. It’s like being excited with life yet being suicidal. But I won’t commit suicide, that the stupidest thing to do. (make that MOST STUPIDEST for EMPHASIS)”

“I believe that God created the stars and the moon and the clouds and all the other magical things you can see in the sky so that at nights when someone feels so fucked up, he/she can just look at the sky, see its beauty and remember that God loves him/her.”

“He’s willing to listen to me even though my problem is the least important because He loves me.”

“She was just there

Yesterday morning

Standing by the stairs

With a smile she’s faking….”

“Never to leave, it’s there to last.

 We can take off all our masks.

 Forget all sadness from the past….”

“There is an imp in my head

Repeating “she’s dead, she’s dead.

Yet I refuse to believe,

Myself, I’d rather deceive…”

“As I try to recall what happened to me yesterday and at the beginning of this day, I found out that no words can actually describe how I felt. Haha..

Lande ksi ni R….. Ung senglot n un.. Dame sinasabi… nakakaloka..* Haha”

”At least my crushes are getting younger and younger. Maybe later in my life I’ll be fond of someone who’s close to my age. “

“When I got home, though, I started to cry after I entered the privacy of my room.. It just dawned on me that I will really miss them all.”

“He’s cute and attractive in a way, but he’s not someone you can call “really handsome” or “hot”.. And I love him just for who he is.. “

“Enough of that crap.. I don’t think I want to talk about it.”

And that, I think is the best way to end this. ^_^

(This is another recycled post from my old blog.)

*English translation: It's because R is such a flirt, that drunkard.. saying a lot of crazy stuff..

"I look at you....

....

Love, you know, is an extravagant feeling… 

People like this topic a lot because deep down, no matter how shitty their attitudes are, they know how to love… really love… The love that does not keep record of wrongs, the love that’s patient… kind… and perfect... the one that is unconditional… the love that is like that of God…

Are people really capable of that?? Of course… God made us in His likeness… and that’s part of our lives that we cannot get rid of… cause I think, when God breathed the breath of life to us, love was there... in that breath… Cause He is love, himself… He loves us… that’s why He created us in the first place… that’s why He gave His son for us… 

(Some parts obviously deleted)

We find love in unexpected places. Cause love is magical. Love is beyond our comprehension. Cause love is God. ^_^ 

Love and Fear Plus My Non-sense

These days, I hear a lot about how fear coexists with love.

In the lyrics of a song, “Fear is the heart of love….”

In the line of a manga, “Now, I know what love is. It is the fear of losing that someone who is important to you.”

I am not sure if love and fear can be present at the same time in the same person’s heart without one killing the other. But that certain line in the manga I was reading really had an effect me. It is somehow true.

Come to think of it, it is true. The fear of losing someone is love. If we can do anything to prevent losing the ones we love, we will do it. It’s like sending a friend or a relative to the hospital when they are sick. We don’t want them to die when it is still possible for them to live. Even when they have already given up, we still fight and continue to tell them to not succumb to their sickness. Love is hoping that they’ll eventually get better. And we hope because we fear to lose them.

I’ve had a hole in my heart ever since my grandfather died. It wasn’t the first time someone died in our family but it was the first time someone really close to me passed away. My grandparents live just one block from our house. He had been there for me since I was born, my grandfather, I mean. He was present in almost every day of my existence. He almost killed a drunkard who was behaving so badly on the night I was about to be born. He would stay right outside our house every time I had my guy pals over. He congratulated me in every victory. Bragged about my intelligence to all his mates. Gave me money when I needed or even when I did not. He was still as strong as a carabao and as fit as a horse even in his 60’s.

On May 2006, they had to go to my grandmother’s province. They go there every year for the fiesta. I used to go with them all the time when I was young. My grandma is a good cook and our family there is, well, let’s just say, kinda well-known. My granny does not really like planes so they usually travel by bus and by ferry once they reach Virac. I did not know why, but the night of the day they left, I felt something strange. The next morning, we were awoken by a loud knock on the door. It was very early. My dad went outside and he talked to my uncle. My aunt who lived next door followed him. I waited for him to return to our house and then I asked him what’s going on. Apparently, my grandpa had died when they were in Naga. Maybe I was too shocked to cry so my first reaction was to stare into space and ask myself if I heard him right. Me, my dad and my aunt are the only ones awake in the neighborhood. It did not help that they go back and forth to my grandparents’ house. Tears were stuck in my eyelids. I sat by our door and rationalized. I was convincing myself that my dad only said that lolo is sick. And then I got confused because my lola is the one with an unhealthy heart. I cried, uncertain of whose death I was crying about but sure that I was crying because of lost opportunity. I could not remember the last time I told my grandparents I love them before that incident. Come to think of it, I did not hug any of them when they left. I thought I would cry if I see them go. I did not know that I had to cry more because I did not see them go. My youngest brother was with them at that time. He was only 3 years old by then.

After that, I made a promise to myself. I will never again lose a chance to tell my loved ones that I love them just because of embarrassment. And I told myself that I have to be more affectionate too. I was able to keep that promise. At least to my relatives and friends.

——————————————————-

Maybe fear is the heart of love. The fear to wake up one day and realize that you’ve let go of a special person. The fear to know that you have lost an opportunity to tell him you like him or that he is important to you. It’s the fear that one day, you’ll see that you are not the one who can make him happy.

I woke up one day and I realized that what I feared had happened. It was my fault. I pointed all my fingers at myself. I’m the one to blame.

The end.

(This is a recycled entry from my previous blog.) 

Photo above not mine; got it from this site.

HALT!

I decided to bring the 30-day blog challenge I was doing to a halt. I just can't post daily... I have become soooooooo busy with school and work and other stuff  that I finally gave up on it.  To my few readers, I am really sorry... :(

On another note, I feel so friendless these days... Not that I literally don't have any friends, I do have a lot, actually. It's just that I've been avoiding the group of girls I usually hang out with at school... It just feels like there's something wrong... something missing... I even feel like I'm the problem. The truth is, I can hang out with anyone I want...I've never had problems getting along with different kinds of people since I don't stereotype. Nevertheless, the fact that I haven't been feeling comfortable around this certain group of girls is maddening. And it saddens me, too, especially since we've hung out with one another and we've been a group since the first days of school... Needless to say, I feel like crap. I feel very tired, sleepy and friendless. And I am sounding grouchy, which isn't good....

Anyhow, we have choir practice tomorrow, and I hope that being with my choir mates/friends will cheer me up. And maybe I will see Beautiful Eyes tomorrow... He'll definitely make me feel better, like he did last Friday. :) ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ 

Crap.. uhm, I mean Craft

I saw these envelopes when I rummaged through my closet to look for some legal documents. 

Seeing them was nostalgic. You see, I actually made them when I was in high school (about 6 or 5 years ago) and I can still remember my friends commenting on how I can't be stopped from cutting papers... Man, I miss KG sooooooo much!

They are FREE

I guess I’ll just have to make a list of the seven best things that happened to me this week for today's challenge. And since it's Friday, I'll talk about the highlights of each day from Saturday, June 9, until now, June 15.

1. (Sat) Aside from being home for the weekends, I was also happy of the fact that I was able to attend a cell group.

2. (Sun) I was able to go to church…. ^_^

3. (Mon) Well, I met this certain individual who is ten years my senior and who is working on getting married. (hahahahaha… Please bear with me; I think I’m kinda infatuated with him, although I know that he is already engaged. He’s just so cute [not very handsome] and conversant and not so polite and I have the tendency to crush on older men. XD)

4. (Tue)  ahhhhhh…. Can't think of anything. Aside from the fact that it was Independence Day… er...

5. (Wed) back to school!! The best thing about being back to school is being able to meet my friends again… I missed the way we laugh and hang out with each other… the way we bully and love one another like friends do…

6. (Thu) I got new shoes!!! 'Twas one day late but it was OK. It was pretty, after all… (It is also one of those feet-killers but who cares about that?)

7. (Fri) I met this cool guy. Enough said. <3 

(DAY 15)

WARNING: Don't read this if you are squeamish (or judgmental)

Oh! I don’t know why I’m so excited about today’s challenge. Or maybe I know why, it’s probably because I do a lot of disgusting (and unladylike) stuff. It’s unfortunate, though, that I only need to talk about something, not about some things. And even when I want to discuss all the things I do that shock most people, I don't really have the time to write about them. XD

The truth is I don’t really think that the things I do are disgusting. I know they are not ladylike, but I don’t think being unladylike is being disgusting. However, some people (a lot of people, actually) find some of the things I do as repugnant.

For example, some people feel aghast when I announce that I need to take a dump or that I’m taking a dump or that my sister or brother or anyone else is taking a dump in the bathroom when someone asks me where that someone else is. I also talk about taking a dump without discretion. I discuss it with my friends (mostly with the male ones, my girlfriends are not as open about their bowel movements as my boyfriends), ask my friends if they just took a dump when I am quite sure that they actually did, and talk about good and bad spots for taking a dump in and around our school. I mean, isn’t taking a dump normal? Everyone does that, right? If you don’t, then you’re the one who isn’t normal. In addition, I can’t help it if I treat feces as just another type of specimen that I need to study or examine. I’m taking a pre-med course, after all, and my course impels me to stomach that so-called disgusting excretion, even if it isn’t mine.

So, I guess that’s about it for now. I would like to talk about other “disgusting” stuff, but maybe I already sickened some of my few readers (I did warn you all with the title, see?). I am sorry, it’s just that this challenge can really be weird and fun when it wants to. 

(DAY 14)

(got the photo above from this site)

DOUBLE

I have to write about how single life is for today’s challenge. (Arrrrrrrghh…. I want this challenge to end already!!)

So, being single is actually very nice. I mean, you can flirt with anybody without worrying whether someone might get angry. You can text any member of the opposite sex and keep his messages on your phone for as long as you want without having someone ask you why you’re texting him. You can stay out late, heck, stay out even until early morning, and not have your parents worry or text you every single minute just because they’re worried that you’re getting too intimate with the guy you are out with. You can hug every boy you feel like hugging without getting disapproving looks from your friends. You can kiss any cute guy you feel like kissing without feeling guilty about it. You can be yourself around any gorgeous guy without worrying that he would see something imperfect in you that would impel him to break up. You can cheer your heart out to any hot basketball player without making anyone, or at least not someone you care about, jealous.   You can do a lot of things…. Spend time with your family, hang out with your friends, do crazy stuff when you’re alone, play with your dog, do things for God and for the love of God without someone constantly texting or calling or showing up at your door or asking you to go on a date with him. And last but not the least, you won’t have to think of ways to end a relationship you’re not happy about anymore without hurting someone’s feelings. Or if you’re me, you won’t have to actually hurt someone by telling him to his face that you just don’t wanna see him anymore, for no apparent and rational reason, and that whatever kind of relationship you have with him is totally over. And then feel guilty about it, or maybe not. OK, I mean I didn’t really feel guilty… I don’t… even when those around me tell me I should. (Yes, I know, I'm mean... but.... alright, I don't wanna explain myself.) 

xoxo

*The photo above is from this site.


(DAY 11)